Four years ago, I started the #SportsBraSquad. A body-positive movement that changed my life.

The #SportsBraSquad is a movement that encourages womxn to ditch their shirts, along with their insecurities so that we can see our bodies for all they can do instead of how they look.

The #SportsBraSquad is about visibility and redefining what strength looks like. It’s about showing the world that strength comes in all shapes and sizes. Because every time you see someone with a body type that isn’t the ONE BODY TYPE the health, fitness, diet, and running industries have decided a healthy/beautiful/strong/athlete/runner looks like, we collectively take a step towards believing that health isn’t a look, it’s a lifestyle.

The #SportsBraSquad is a movement committed to ending self-objectification because our bodies aren’t here to be judged, ogled, or commented on. IN FACT, MEN, when we run, REGARDLESS of whether we’re covered or in a sports bra, we aren’t looking to be objectified, honked at, or catcalled. We run in our sports bras because it helps us stay cool. We run for personal reasons and we reject the ways you make us feel threatened and unsafe. KNOCK IT OFF. Be a force for change. Spread the word.

The #SportsBraSquad is a movement that challenges women to spend less time thinking about the perceptions and judgments of others and instead, focus only on what we say to and about our strong, capable bodies.

All my life, I was shown what it meant to be “healthy”, “beautiful”, or a strong “athlete” and none of the bodies in the ads ever looked like mine. The #SportsBraSquad helped me undo the decades of messaging that warped my perception of strength, health, and self-worth. And today, four years after the #SportsBraSquad was born, I can honestly say that I no longer feel consumed with aspirations of being thinner and feel really fucking proud of the body I have because of what it can do.

For the last four years, Global #SportsBraSquad Day was a day when womxn around the world hosted meetups to ditch their shirts, along with their insecurities, come together as a community, and celebrate our strength. In the weeks leading up to Global #SportsBraSquad day, I would share stories, pictures, and videos from womxn in the Badass Lady Gang about why they joined the #SportsBraSquad.

It doesn’t matter their age or size, every story was a variation of the same thing.

• We’re convinced that our bodies aren’t good enough, thin enough, or strong enough as they are.

• We’ve all gone to unhealthy lengths to be skinnier.

• We wear our clothing like armor.

• We didn’t think our bodies were the types of bodies that should seen in a sports bra.

• We didn’t feel comfortable celebrating our bodies.

• We are convinced that we’ll be ridiculed, judged, shamed, or harassed if we run exposed in a sports bra.

*And for so many of us, the same thing goes for shorts or even tank tops.

But long story short, it doesn’t matter what size you are. We’re all sold this notion that we’re our bodies first, and a person second. The diet, beauty, and fitness worlds have convinced us that our bodies are problematic.

Why?

Not just because thinness is a beauty ideal, but because ‘health at every size’ and a positive self-image aren’t profitable. You can’t sell shakes, diets, fitness plans, and weight loss programs when we all collectively understand that health is not a look. It’s a lifestyle. Or that their weight will fluctuate and that’s OK.

The diet, weight loss, beauty, and fitness industries are fueled by lobbying and policies that never once cared about our health. Just profits. And health at every size isn’t profitable. So we’re sold poison punch that leads to body dysmorphia, disordered eating, eating disorders, and a collective belief that we are worthless pieces of shit.

Since starting the #SportsBraSquad four years ago, I became a person who gave up the poison punch.

Or so I thought.

It wasn’t until last year that I realized I was still chasing skinny without even realizing it.

Just calling myself an athlete still feels a little radical. I’m not kidding when I say that I was the former President of the “I F*cking Hate Running Club”. I was a theater kid who found meaning through storytelling with the misfits. I hated working out because the only time I ever got active was to lose weight. To me, being active was a reminder that I wasn’t athletic (which made me feel inadequate in a sporty family) and that I couldn’t control my weight. (Which, of course, I could. My weight was fine. I just wasn’t skinny and I was convinced I needed to be skinny in order to be worthy of love and acceptance. I’VE BEEN BLACKOUT DRUNK ON POISON PUNCH FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.)

I may have started running because my life felt out of control, but I kept running because I thought that all runners were skinny and I wanted to be skinny.

As a 24-year-old college graduate, I’d never had a boyfriend before and all I wanted was for someone to want to be with me. And I was convinced that I’d never been in love because of my weight.

I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror and I thought everyone judged me as harshly as I judged myself.

“If only I could run a half marathon”, I would think to myself, “Then I’ll finally be skinny, beautiful, and worthy of love”.

Three months later, I ran a half marathon and my world exploded. I COULDN’T BELIEVE I RAN A HALF MARATHON! I COULDN’T BELIEVE I WAS A RUNNER. But my weight stayed the same.

“If I could run a marathon, then I’ll finally be skinny, beautiful, and worthy of love”, I then told myself.

Four months later, I ran a marathon. AND MY ENTIRE WORLDVIEW STARTED TO SHIFT. If I could run a marathon, I could do anything. So I pulled myself out of my rabbit hole and decided to move to New York to start my next chapter. Yet still, my weight stayed the same.

So the narrative became, “If I can run faster, then I’ll finally be skinny, beautiful, and worthy of love”.

So I started trying to break 2 hours in the half marathon.

And then 4 hours in the marathon.

I was growing more and more confident. I was making friends and I went viral! I was on Good Morning America and started working with fitness brands! I became a full-time blogger! I WAS DOING IT! But my weight stayed the same.

This was literally what I did whenever I got dressed.

And there was always a disappointed sigh at the end.

When I saw my body, I didn’t see the strength I thought I should see reflected.

I didn’t understand why I wasn’t skinny yet.

I was under the impression that if I got faster, I would get skinnier. I WAS GETTING FASTER, WHY WASN’T I SKINNIER!?!??!

The #SportsBraSquad started because I shared a video talking about how scared I was to run in my sports bra to Instagram. And immediately, I started reading comments from women who echoed that they didn’t think they could ever be brave enough to run in their sports bra.

But that day, running in my sports bra didn’t just cool me down on a wildly hot summer day. I felt liberated. Empowered. Like I did something for myself I’d been afraid to do for a really long time. And don’t get me wrong, it was terrifying and it took me MONTHS to not feel overwhelmingly insecure running in my sports bra. (I always felt like people were looking at me, judging me, and feeling sorry for me.) I was terrified that someone would say something to me.

And they do.

But ironically, I didn’t really care.

There are always people who think it’s appropriate to tell me why I’m fat. What I’m doing wrong. How my diet clearly isn’t “clean enough” since I’m not skinny. And I get it. One of the best gifts the #SportsBraSquad gave me was the chance to really start to pay attention to what I said to and about myself. And once I actually realized how strong my body was, I stopped giving my power to other people. I was able to see the few and far between comments for what they were: People drunk on poison punch. We’ve all been drinking the same poison punch. It’s why they think they can make comments about your body.

HOT TIP: It’s never OK to comment on someone’s body, weight, or size. Are you someone who congratulates someone for weight loss? I encourage you to stop. IN FACT, I invite everyone to investigate their implicit bias with size.

For four years, I chased a huge, moonshot goal to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon (BQ), and in order for me to BQ, I had to run a 3 hour and 30-minute marathon.

Which felt impossible.

I don’t know if it was ads I saw or just the pervasive thinking in the running world that if you’re skinnier, you’ll run faster, but somewhere down the line, I stopped thinking if I ran faster, I’d be skinnier and instead, started thinking if I got skinnier, I’d be faster.

Training to run faster marathons became an unhealthy way for me to not only control my weight but to chase the skinnier version of myself.

I knew better.

I knew my body was strong as hell whether it was training for a marathon or just running for fun.

I felt it. I felt just as strong doing a 40-50 mile week as I did doing a 20-mile week. I ran because I chose to and that was empowering.

But I still wondered what would happen if I could just lose 10-20 more pounds. I constantly questioned if I was trying hard enough. I still compared my body to other runner’s bodies. (RUNNER’S WITH COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BODY TYPES.)

I realized what I was doing to myself about a year and a half ago.

I was coming off of a pretty tough injury and had just signed a new partnership with Nike. Right off the bat, they invited me to make a Just Do It commercial. I literally remember thinking to myself, “Noooooooo. I’m 15-pounds heavier than I’ll be in November on race day.”

I talked myself off the ledge and tried not to worry about it.

I reached for all the tools in my toolbelt to get out of that way of thinking.

I was strong.

My body was just my body. It wasn’t worse at a bigger size. It’s just a body that changes and evolves.

But I hated that I was wishing I were skinnier. Or that we could postpone the shoot so I could be the marathon version of myself.

And that’s when I realized why I kept running marathons. I ran marathons every year not because I loved running a marathon. I was running marathons so that I could be a slightly skinnier version of myself.

I was still convincing myself I wasn’t good enough.

And I knew it was bullshit. So again, I reached for every tool in my toolbelt. And last year, I had an incredible time training for the Chicago Marathon. I knew pretty early on in that it was going to be my last marathon regardless of whether or not I ran 3 hours 30 minutes. I was going to just give myself my personal best each and every day, challenge myself and see how strong I could get.

Then, I beat my personal best time by 5 minutes. AND I was 10 pounds heavier than I was when I’d ran Chicago three years prior.

I gave absolutely everything I had to get that 3 hour 37-minute marathon. AND I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF ALL THE WORK I PUT IN TO GET THERE.

But most of all, I am grateful that I got the chance to work on my self-perception and that piece of me that not only thought it needed to be skinnier but thought it would be better if it were.

Our bodies are absolutely incredible machines and you don’t have to run a marathon or work out like a crazy person to be the best version of you.

After running the Chicago Marathon last year, I made a promise to myself that this year, things would be different. No more marathons. No more working myself into the ground. I gave myself permission to get active, workout, and run only when I wanted to because I wanted to. If that means I run two days a week, amazing! If I gain weight, who cares? This year, I’m giving my body and mind the love they deserve and adopting a true healthy lifestyle change. One that is sustainable and isn’t rooted in a desire to be skinnier.

Over the last four years, the #SportsBraSquad taught me that the best version of me is the most fulfilled version of me and that that version of me is constantly evolving. Sometimes, it’s fun to chase really ambitious fitness goals. But working out isn’t everything. Our power isn’t tied to our weight or our size. It’s tied to our actions and what we do. Not just in running, but in life as well.

I used to think that if I ran faster, I’d be skinnier. Then, I thought if I were skinnier, I’d run faster.

NOW, I realize how limiting that is. And more importantly, that it’s the poison punch talking.

Over the last four years, the #SportsBraSquad taught me that building a strong relationship with my body image is a lifelong battle. Whether you run in your sports bra or not, that’s not what matters. What matters most is that we stop drinking the poison punch, lean on each other for support, change the way we view our strength and what we’re capable of, and how we talk to ourselves.